I don’t really think you’ve been any more naive than the next person. Being trusting isn’t a fault in itself. The shame lies with those who’d abuse such trust (such as that BDSM partner of yours).
Neither are you a pushover. Us women are raised to put others first. It’s a powerful message woven deep into who we are. Yes, even a trans woman like me. I got the same messages as everyone else that men can have certain expectations and women should behave certain ways. I tried living by the men’s rules but they were never mind and upon transition I went with the rulebook that fit me, the women’s. And so even I learned, bone deep, to put myself second. You know a bunch of my life and you know it’s much the same for me as for you.
But that self-sacrifice isn’t us being a pushover. We do it because we’ve been led to believe its our role all our lives. But also because its who we are. Generous, caring, loving people who give too much of ourselves.
I know that with age and with a growing weariness of being taken for granted you and I both are standing up for ourselves and establishing boundaries. In your case you have the love of a good man, who very clearly buoys you up and lends you strength and courage. As a decent life and love partner should.
I’m glad you’ve got him. And I’m glad you are asserting yourself.
You know how much I love and care for you.
Keep on dealing with the dickheads with grace and dignity and a laugh at their desperation and fragility where you can.