Maybe you should try me? Trust is a valuable commodity, especially online. But I like to try to help. I can explain more...
This goes for some of your other comments. The self-imposed isolation...ok fear of rejection is a powerful motivator. But I'm not gonna do that. Just not a thing. You go on to say you '...will just have to overcome it.' Sigh. You do realise you're suggesting to yourself that you just need to 'man up', right? I'm not berating you, nor lecturing you. But it makes me sad to see you in the grip of long-held (but maybe damaging) habits.
I do care. And I'm aware that's anomalous in the online world. But it's true. Further I believe that some of the feelings you've expressed can be alleviated, if not dealt with, by talking to a friend.
You writing is powerfully heartfelt, but I'm sure it feels like yelling into the void often. A bit of back-and-forth could be helpful. And I don't mean professionally.
What I'm trying to say is I'm here for you, sister.
Do drop me a line. There's so much to say that's not suited to this forum.
All the love,