Oh Emma, sister, do I ever hear you!!
Your opening paragraphs so eloquently articulated my own feelings on the subject I read them to my wife who is still struggling with me being trans.
And when you mentioned how the difference manifested in session with your therapist… For a time I had thought that it was a struggle to realise my female self but I soon understood that what was happening was that long repressed femininity came more to the fore the more I let go of the fight. That this is me in my natural state, that being ‘him’ was the struggle, one I undertook for an uncaring world who did not see me for who I was.
I found this too I my first date with another trans woman. Someone who innately understood what it was likely to expected to play the role of ‘man’ and we spent more than five hours that afternoon in a to and fro of taking the lead and being the recipient. I has expected that too to be an adjustment. But I realised on retrospection that it was the times of playing the suitor that had been the effort all those years before.
So I totally understand your words, and I appreciate your having shared them.
Much love, many hugs,